i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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