well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
