i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
