I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize