you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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