Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
