Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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