Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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