Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
And then he peed in my hair
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