He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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