I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
