Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Green mimosas i think yes
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
