the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
