3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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