i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
