tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
