Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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