I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
