Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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