Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
