I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
