You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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