Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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