there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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