someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think your dad took our porno
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
