Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
