Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
