Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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