im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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