Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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