the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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