Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
