If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
His hands were made for my vagina.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Send help, water and tortillas.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
