I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
