Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
