im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
