I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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