3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
