Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
