Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
