I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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