My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
