I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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