Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
