I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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