alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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