I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
