Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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