Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
