I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
