I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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