I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
