Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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