I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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