Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Found your dick twin last night
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
