If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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