Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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